the circle of people I know has rapidly expanded. Joining college and other activities brought a new pace to social life; a pace much quicker than what I was used to in the comfort zone of my home town. The same ten friends, day after day, year after year, with change coming gradually and naturally.
This changed. Not only do new aquaintances pour in weekly, they also diversify horizontally and vertically. You hit the age where the concept family shifts into a different light, where business contacts suddenly have meaning as career thoughts emerge, and where the principle of “friends” needs some serious redefining. It went so far that I didn’t have time for my family, was spending non-quality time with people I didn’t really care about and forgot to foster those relations that were really important to me. This had to stop. I had to ask myself, what are friends really worth to me?
So here’s a project for the slow christmas days ahead: Renegotiate your social relations. Organize your friends.
It might seem a bit over the top to introduce a system into your social life, but if you want to manage time effectively, you need to identify who you’ll spend it with. It’s a mental exercise and a commitment with yourself. We negotiate with our own lives, career choices, to-dos – so why not friends? Here’s the way I did it.
Step 1. Categorize your friends.
This isn’t a new concept, you already do it with Facebook lists. Now do it in real life. You won’t be able to categorize them all at once, but over the course of time, you’ll have collected everyone worth thinking of. One way to categorize it comes from GTD Times, but you can use any variant of this if you like
Closest and current friends. These are my dearest friends and are, fortunately, a current and regular part of my life. Contrast with Category 2
Closest but not-current friends. I value these friends equally to Category 1 friends but life circumstances have deprived me of enjoying them as I wish. The main reason is that they live far away. I know that if circumstances improved they would be Category 1.
Forever-friends. I want these people to be friends for life, but they do not have the same level of value-sharing as I do with Category 1 & 2 friends. Many of these friends are from various schools, my childhood, etc. Some of them were Category 1/2 friends but we grew apart. Many relatives might be in this category, as well.
Current acquaintances. I know these people and like them, but my interaction is very context-specific. If that context changed the relationship would likely end. Examples are neighbors, some co-workers, work-out partners or sports team members, and service people like your local butcher, bartender, storekeepers, hair stylists, etc.
Not-current acquaintances. These are people I know and like, but they are not actively in my life and presently I do not expect to do anything to change that. Whenever I run in to them, I am glad to see them. Examples would be people I see if I happen to visit their towns (or vice versa), or see them at a party of mutual friends. However, I do try to reach out via email or calls on occasion.
Step 2. Analyze your time spent on these categories
This doesn’t have to peer-reviewd, data-backed analysis, but just think back one month and ask yourself:
How often did I spend a good time with category 1 (outside uni or office).
How often did I see the people from category two?
Which people in category 4 might move up to category 1?
Which people in category 5 do I spend too much time with?
Step 3. Align time with your categories
The third step would be to make the necessary changes in order to improve your social life in a structured manner. Here’s one approach that I find works well.
Category 1: No need to invest much more time with these people, but could you invest it better? Chatting by the water dispenser vs. a going out for dinner and wine is the choice here. Choose wisely.
Category 2: Schedule time to spend with these people. Do it well in advance. Go through your list and make a decided effort to meet them and spent useful time. I am a weekender, so I block some time on the weekends for my parents and brother. Family often falls out of focus when you leave for uni. Also, one big change in this area was that I had to begin making appointments with old friends – we couldn’t rely on just “seeing each other tomorrow” anymore. This was a big insight for me.
Category 3: Make sure to touch base regularly of the “forever” becomes somewhat diluted. Even if it’s your mom, not seeing each other for months changes things.
Category 4: This is a major time-sink. Most people in college spend a lot of time with such people – which isn’t a bad thing, but you should choose carefully, as time spent here might be fun while it lasts, but limit it to a healthy amount. These are people whom you know because they’re around, and unless you take a focused effort, thsi relationship isn’t going to grow into something valuable. I find mindless conversation guilt-inducing, like after you’ve eaten too much knowing you shouldn’t have. Here too, use your schedule, but instead of scheduling extra time here, schedule it in order to limit yourself. And regularly rethink which relations here are possibly worth extending. Then focus on fostering those. By scheduling social events, you can gauge and cancel events when you think it’s going in the wrong direction.
Category 5: Former schoomates which don’t fall into category 2 form most of this pool for me. While actively scheduling time with these people helps, it is more important to choose the right people. Some of these, you might just want to drop. Some of them never call back. Keep this category slim, by cutting people or investing time and energy into moving them up to category 2 or even 3.
The key in all of this using your calendar effectively. Pull up the next week, and drop in chunks of time you will dedicate to nurtuting relationships across all categories. This will keep your relationships moving forward. Take control of your time, and the quality of people that fill it. Take charge
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